Etiquette & Manners is something often discussed on some of my of the writer loops I belong to as they pertain to the 19th century. Through Google books I've found a great source of books regarding such topics. Below is a list ordered by the year they were published. I've gathered this resource list over the past two years from Google Books. Hope it helps you in your search for proper behavior in the time period of your setting.
1832 Domestic Manners of the Americans
1835 Pencil Sketches
1837 The Young Lady's Friend
1839 Miss Leslie's Behavior Book
1842 Elegant Extracts
1843 Etiquette or, A Guide to The Usages of Society with a Glance at Bad Habits
1854 Etiquette Social Ethics and the Curtiousy of Society
1854 The Behavior Book
1860 The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manners
1860 The Hand Book of Etiquette
1866 Marine's Sensible Letter Writer
1868 Manners or Happy Homes
1870 Good Manners a Manual of Ediquette
1872 The Ladie's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness
1873 The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness
1884 Don't: A Manual of Mistakes and Improprieties More or Less
1888 Manners
1889 American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness
1889 Perfect Etiquette or How to Behave in social...
1892 Etiquette An Answer to the Riddle, When? Where? How?
1896 Social Etiquette or Manners and Customs of Polite Society
1897 Manners for Men
1897 Practical Letter Writing
1899 Twenty Letters in Letter Writing and Business
Showing posts with label Etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Etiquette. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Monday, April 10, 2017
Manners in Speech
The excerpt I'm sharing today comes from the 1854 publication "Manners" by Miss Leslie. In the chapter Incorrect words. You can read the entire chapter at Google Books with this Link
When you mean that an article of dress (a bonnet or a cap) is neat and pretty, do not say that it is cunning. An inanimate object cannot be cunning. To be cunning requires some mind. We are sorry to say that we have heard females who, when they intend to be witty, talk of taking a snooze, (which means a nap,) and speak of a comic anecdote as being "rich," and of a man in faded clothes as looking "seedy." We have heard Philadelphia ladies speak of a "great big" house, or a "great big" ship; and there are still some who expect what has already come to pass—as, "I expect it rained somewhere last night" —"I expect she arrived yesterday"—"I expect he went to Baltimore." In all these cases the proper term is "I suppose," and not "I expect."
The word "mayhap" (instead of perhaps) is a positive vulgarism. It is of English origin, but is only used in England by very low people—and by English writers, never.
When you mean that an article of dress (a bonnet or a cap) is neat and pretty, do not say that it is cunning. An inanimate object cannot be cunning. To be cunning requires some mind. We are sorry to say that we have heard females who, when they intend to be witty, talk of taking a snooze, (which means a nap,) and speak of a comic anecdote as being "rich," and of a man in faded clothes as looking "seedy." We have heard Philadelphia ladies speak of a "great big" house, or a "great big" ship; and there are still some who expect what has already come to pass—as, "I expect it rained somewhere last night" —"I expect she arrived yesterday"—"I expect he went to Baltimore." In all these cases the proper term is "I suppose," and not "I expect."
The word "mayhap" (instead of perhaps) is a positive vulgarism. It is of English origin, but is only used in England by very low people—and by English writers, never.
Monday, February 20, 2017
Calls for Inquiry
To finish the week on manners, I'm again using the Manners for men ©1897 by Mrs. C.E. Humphry and including the excerpt concerning funerals. Note the choice of flowers for the occasion in the last paragraph.
In calling on friends who have suffered bereavement, after having received their card of thanks for kind inquiries, it is, of course, requisite that the dress should be of the quietest description. A red tie, for instance, would be horribly out of place. Only in case of friendships is bereaved. the call prolonged beyond ten minutes or a quarter of an hour. The caller takes his tone from that of the family. It is in the worst taste to refer to the loss sustained unless the initiative is taken by one of those bereaved. This is very seldom done, and the conversation is usually conducted on lines calculated to avert any disturbing remark. No one likes to break down or lose self-command except in seclusion; and, in fact, it is only necessary to look into one's own consciousness in order to discover what is the best course to follow in such cases.
Should a young man be invited to attend the funeral, he must wear mourning, black gloves, and black hatband. Punctuality, important at all times, is particularly essential at this dreary ceremonial. The family usually provides carriages, but in the case of friends who possess equipages, they always take their own. It is the custom to assemble at the house, or to go by fixed train should the family reside in the country. It is better not to accept any invitations to return to the house afterwards; for, as a rule, these are only given as a matter of form.
We often see in newspapers after the announcement of a death, a request that no flowers may be sent. Failure to comply with this would argue a want of perception, but when no such intimation is made a friend may send flowers, the only essential being that they should consist as a rule of pure white flowers or orchids, pansies, or violets. Occasionally an exception is made to these in the case of favourite flowers of the lost friend. An exquisite garland of pale tea-roses appeared among the scores of wreaths seen at the funeral of one of our greatest poets.
In calling on friends who have suffered bereavement, after having received their card of thanks for kind inquiries, it is, of course, requisite that the dress should be of the quietest description. A red tie, for instance, would be horribly out of place. Only in case of friendships is bereaved. the call prolonged beyond ten minutes or a quarter of an hour. The caller takes his tone from that of the family. It is in the worst taste to refer to the loss sustained unless the initiative is taken by one of those bereaved. This is very seldom done, and the conversation is usually conducted on lines calculated to avert any disturbing remark. No one likes to break down or lose self-command except in seclusion; and, in fact, it is only necessary to look into one's own consciousness in order to discover what is the best course to follow in such cases.
Should a young man be invited to attend the funeral, he must wear mourning, black gloves, and black hatband. Punctuality, important at all times, is particularly essential at this dreary ceremonial. The family usually provides carriages, but in the case of friends who possess equipages, they always take their own. It is the custom to assemble at the house, or to go by fixed train should the family reside in the country. It is better not to accept any invitations to return to the house afterwards; for, as a rule, these are only given as a matter of form.
We often see in newspapers after the announcement of a death, a request that no flowers may be sent. Failure to comply with this would argue a want of perception, but when no such intimation is made a friend may send flowers, the only essential being that they should consist as a rule of pure white flowers or orchids, pansies, or violets. Occasionally an exception is made to these in the case of favourite flowers of the lost friend. An exquisite garland of pale tea-roses appeared among the scores of wreaths seen at the funeral of one of our greatest poets.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Manners for Men
I found a book entitled "Manners for men" by Mrs. C. E. Humphry ©1897 written toward the end of the 19th century. In it the author goes into great detail on how a man is to behave if he is a gentleman. The first thing that caught my eye was the title of a chapter, entitled "The Ideal Man." I had to chuckle at that. I do not believe there is an ideal man nor is there an ideal woman. I do however believe that there is an ideal man for me, and I'm fortunate enough to have married him but as much as I love my husband he is not perfect, neither am I. It's a rather fun book to read but today I'm going to share an excerpt that also goes to my current writing project of a non-fiction book on 19th century Carriages & Wagons.
Manners for Men in escorting Ladies into a Hansom Cab.
IN A HANSOM.
In handing a lady into a hansom care must be taken to protect her dress from the muddy wheel. The gentleman asks if she would like the glasses down, and conveys her instructions to the driver, then raises his hat as she drives away. Should he be accompanying her in the hansom, she seats herself at when accom- the nearest side to the pavelady. ment, so that when he enters he will not have to go round a corner, as it were. In this case he gives the cabman instructions across the roof of the cab, and if his companion wishes the glasses to be lowered, he asks for them through the trap-door at the top of the cab. He must never smoke when the glasses are let down— to do so would render the atmosphere unbearable to almost any woman. But if he knows his partner in the drive sufficiently well, he can ask permission to smoke, should the glasses not be required.
Manners for Men in escorting Ladies into a Hansom Cab.
IN A HANSOM.
In handing a lady into a hansom care must be taken to protect her dress from the muddy wheel. The gentleman asks if she would like the glasses down, and conveys her instructions to the driver, then raises his hat as she drives away. Should he be accompanying her in the hansom, she seats herself at when accom- the nearest side to the pavelady. ment, so that when he enters he will not have to go round a corner, as it were. In this case he gives the cabman instructions across the roof of the cab, and if his companion wishes the glasses to be lowered, he asks for them through the trap-door at the top of the cab. He must never smoke when the glasses are let down— to do so would render the atmosphere unbearable to almost any woman. But if he knows his partner in the drive sufficiently well, he can ask permission to smoke, should the glasses not be required.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Conduct on the Street
During the 19th century there were many forms of behavior and attitudes that were proper and improper. When researching an area keep in mind if these books on behaviors and manners were in keeping with your area and time frame. And of course putting a character into a situation where she or he has been taught to behave in one way and is frowned upon in the new area he or she find themselves, is great for building tension. With that in mind I'd like to share a couple of these "proper" manners and behavior from Miss Leslie's "The Behavior Book" ©1855 Note this book was written with English manners in mind and the author notes a few differences for American behavior.
CONDUCT IN THE STREET.
When three ladies are walking together, it is better for one to keep a little in advance of the other two, than for all three to persist in maintaining one unbroken line. They cannot all join in conversation without talking across each other—a thing that, in-doors or out-of-doors, is awkward, inconvenient, ungenteel, and should always be avoided. Also, three ladies walking abreast occupy too much of the pavement, and therefore incommode the other passengers. Three young men sometimes lounge along the pavement, arm in arm. Three young gentlemen never do so.
If you meet a lady with whom you have become but slightly acquainted, and had merely a little conversation, (for instance, at a party or a morning visit,) and who moves in a circle somewhat higher or more fashionable than your own, it is safest to wait till she recognises you. Let her not see in you a disposition to obtrude yourself on her notice.
It is not expected that all intimacies formed at watering-places shall continue after the parties have returned to their homes. A mutual bow when meeting in the street is sufficient. But there is no interchanging of visits, unless both ladies have, before parting, testified a desire to continue the acquaintance. In this case, the lady who is eldest, or palpably highest in station, makes the first call. It is not customary for a young lady to make the first visit to a married lady.
When meeting them in the street, always speak first to your milliner, mantua-maker, seamstress, or to any one you have been in the practice of employing. To pass without notice any servant that you know, is rude and unfeeling, as they will attribute it to pride, not presuming to speak to you themselves, unless in reply. There are persons who having accepted, when in the country, much kindness from the country-people, are ashamed to recognise them when they come to town, on account of their rustic or unfashionable dress. This is a very vulgar, contemptible, and foolish pride; and is always seen through, and despised. There is no danger of plain country-people being mistaken for vulgar city-people. In our country, there is no reason for keeping aloof from any who are respectable in character and appearance. Those to be avoided are such as wear tawdry finery, paint then- faces, and leer out of the corners of their (yes, looking disreputably, even if they are not disreputable in reality.
When a gentleman meets a lady with whom his acquaintance is very slight, (perhaps nothing more than a few words of talk at a party,) he allows her the option of continuing the acquaintance or not, at her pleasure; therefore, he waits till she recognises him, and till she evinces it by a bow,—he looking at her to give the opportunity. Thus, if she has no objection to numbering him among her acquaintances, she denotes it by bowing first. American ladies never curtsey in the street. If she has any reason to disapprove of his character or habits, she is perfectly justifiable in "cutting" him, as it is termed. Let her bow very coldly the first time, and after that, not at all.
Young ladies should yield the wall to old ladies. Gentlemen do so to all ladies.
In some cities it is the custom for all gentlemen to give their arm to all ladies, when walking with them. In others, a gentleman's arm is neither offered nor taken, unless in the evening, on slippery pavements, or when the streets are very muddy. A lady only takes the arm of her husband, her affianced lover, or of her male relatives. In the country the custom is different. There, a gentleman, when walking with a lady, always gives her his arm; and is much offended when, on offering his arm, the lady refuses to take it. Still, if it is contrary to the custom of her place, she can explain it to him delicately, and ho will at once see the propriety of her declining.
When a lady is walking between two gentlemen, she should divide her conversation as equally as practicable, or address most of it to him who is most of a stranger to her. He, with whom she is least on ceremony, will excuse her.
A gentleman on escorting a lady to her own home, must not leave her till he has rung the bell, and waited till the servant has come and opened the door, and till she is actually in the house. Men who know no better, think it sufficient to walk with her to the foot of the steps and there take their departure, leaving her to get in as she can. This we have seen— but not often, and the offenders were not Americans.
If you stop a few minutes in the street to talk to an acquaintance, draw to one side of the pavement near the wall, so as not to impede the passengers—or you may turn and walk with her as far as the next corner. And never stop to talk in the middle of a crossing. To speak loudly in the street is exceedingly ungenteel, and foolish, as what you say will be heard by all who pass by. To call across the way to an acquaintance, is very unlady-like. It is best to hasten over, and speak to her, if you have any thing of importance to say.
When a stranger offers to assist you across a brimming gutter, or over a puddle, or a glair of slippery ice, do not hesitate, or decline, as if you thought he was taking an "unwarrantable liberty. He means nothing but civility. So accept it frankly, and thank him for it.
When you see persons slip down on the ice, do not laugh at them. There is no fun in being hurt, or in being mortified by a fall in the public street; and wo know not how a lady can see any thing diverting in so painful a circumstance. It is more feminine, on witnessing such a sight, to utter an involuntary scream •than a 6hout of laughter. And still more so, to stop and ascertain if the person that fell has been hurt.
If, on stopping an omnibus, you find that a dozen people are already seated in it, draw back, and refuse to add to the number; giving no heed to the assertion of the driver, that "there is plenty of room." The passengers will not say so, and you have no right to crowd them all, even if you are willing to be crowded yourself—a thing that is extremely uncomfortable, and very injurious to your dress, which may, in consequence, be so squeezed and rumpled as never to look well again. None of the omnibuses are large enough to accommodate even twelve grown people comfortably; and that number is the utmost the law permits. A child occupies more than half the space of a grown person, yet children are brought into omnibuses ad libitum. Ten grown persons are as many as can be really well seated in an omnibus—twelve are too many; and a lady will always regret making the thirteenth—and her want of consideration in doing so will cause her to be regarded with unfavourable eyes by the other passengers. It is better for her to go into a shop, and wait for the next omnibus, or even to walk home, unless it is actually raining.
Have your sixpence ready in your fingers a few minutes before you are to get out; and you may request any gentleman near you to hand it up to the driver. So many accidents have happened from the driver setting off before a lady was entirely out of the vehicle and safely landed in the street, that it is well to desire the gentleman not to hand up the sixpence till after you are fairly clear of the steps.
When expecting to ride in an omnibus, take care to have sufficient small change in your purse—that is, sixpences. "We have seen, when a quarter-dollar has been handed up, and the driver was handing down the change, that it has fallen, and been scattered among the straw. There was no stopping to search for it, and therefore the ride cost twenty-five cents instead of six: the driver, of course, finding the change himself, as soon as he got rid of all his passengers.
It is most imprudent to ride in an omnibus with much money in your purse. Pickpockets of genteel appearance are too frequently among the passengers. We know a gentleman who in this way lost a pocketbook containing eighty dollars; and various ladies have had their purses taken from them, by welldressed passengers. If you are obliged to have money of any consequence about you, keep your hand all the time in that pocket.
If the driver allows a drunken man to come into an omnibus, the ladies will find it best to get out; at least those whose seats are near his. It is, however, the duty of the gentlemen to insist on such fellows being refused admittance where there are ladies.
No lady should venture to ride in an omnibus after dark, unless she is escorted by a gentleman whom she knows. She had better walk home, even under the protection of a servant. If alone in an omnibus at night, she is liable to meet with improper company, and perhaps be insulted.
CONDUCT IN THE STREET.
When three ladies are walking together, it is better for one to keep a little in advance of the other two, than for all three to persist in maintaining one unbroken line. They cannot all join in conversation without talking across each other—a thing that, in-doors or out-of-doors, is awkward, inconvenient, ungenteel, and should always be avoided. Also, three ladies walking abreast occupy too much of the pavement, and therefore incommode the other passengers. Three young men sometimes lounge along the pavement, arm in arm. Three young gentlemen never do so.
If you meet a lady with whom you have become but slightly acquainted, and had merely a little conversation, (for instance, at a party or a morning visit,) and who moves in a circle somewhat higher or more fashionable than your own, it is safest to wait till she recognises you. Let her not see in you a disposition to obtrude yourself on her notice.
It is not expected that all intimacies formed at watering-places shall continue after the parties have returned to their homes. A mutual bow when meeting in the street is sufficient. But there is no interchanging of visits, unless both ladies have, before parting, testified a desire to continue the acquaintance. In this case, the lady who is eldest, or palpably highest in station, makes the first call. It is not customary for a young lady to make the first visit to a married lady.
When meeting them in the street, always speak first to your milliner, mantua-maker, seamstress, or to any one you have been in the practice of employing. To pass without notice any servant that you know, is rude and unfeeling, as they will attribute it to pride, not presuming to speak to you themselves, unless in reply. There are persons who having accepted, when in the country, much kindness from the country-people, are ashamed to recognise them when they come to town, on account of their rustic or unfashionable dress. This is a very vulgar, contemptible, and foolish pride; and is always seen through, and despised. There is no danger of plain country-people being mistaken for vulgar city-people. In our country, there is no reason for keeping aloof from any who are respectable in character and appearance. Those to be avoided are such as wear tawdry finery, paint then- faces, and leer out of the corners of their (yes, looking disreputably, even if they are not disreputable in reality.
When a gentleman meets a lady with whom his acquaintance is very slight, (perhaps nothing more than a few words of talk at a party,) he allows her the option of continuing the acquaintance or not, at her pleasure; therefore, he waits till she recognises him, and till she evinces it by a bow,—he looking at her to give the opportunity. Thus, if she has no objection to numbering him among her acquaintances, she denotes it by bowing first. American ladies never curtsey in the street. If she has any reason to disapprove of his character or habits, she is perfectly justifiable in "cutting" him, as it is termed. Let her bow very coldly the first time, and after that, not at all.
Young ladies should yield the wall to old ladies. Gentlemen do so to all ladies.
In some cities it is the custom for all gentlemen to give their arm to all ladies, when walking with them. In others, a gentleman's arm is neither offered nor taken, unless in the evening, on slippery pavements, or when the streets are very muddy. A lady only takes the arm of her husband, her affianced lover, or of her male relatives. In the country the custom is different. There, a gentleman, when walking with a lady, always gives her his arm; and is much offended when, on offering his arm, the lady refuses to take it. Still, if it is contrary to the custom of her place, she can explain it to him delicately, and ho will at once see the propriety of her declining.
When a lady is walking between two gentlemen, she should divide her conversation as equally as practicable, or address most of it to him who is most of a stranger to her. He, with whom she is least on ceremony, will excuse her.
A gentleman on escorting a lady to her own home, must not leave her till he has rung the bell, and waited till the servant has come and opened the door, and till she is actually in the house. Men who know no better, think it sufficient to walk with her to the foot of the steps and there take their departure, leaving her to get in as she can. This we have seen— but not often, and the offenders were not Americans.
If you stop a few minutes in the street to talk to an acquaintance, draw to one side of the pavement near the wall, so as not to impede the passengers—or you may turn and walk with her as far as the next corner. And never stop to talk in the middle of a crossing. To speak loudly in the street is exceedingly ungenteel, and foolish, as what you say will be heard by all who pass by. To call across the way to an acquaintance, is very unlady-like. It is best to hasten over, and speak to her, if you have any thing of importance to say.
When a stranger offers to assist you across a brimming gutter, or over a puddle, or a glair of slippery ice, do not hesitate, or decline, as if you thought he was taking an "unwarrantable liberty. He means nothing but civility. So accept it frankly, and thank him for it.
When you see persons slip down on the ice, do not laugh at them. There is no fun in being hurt, or in being mortified by a fall in the public street; and wo know not how a lady can see any thing diverting in so painful a circumstance. It is more feminine, on witnessing such a sight, to utter an involuntary scream •than a 6hout of laughter. And still more so, to stop and ascertain if the person that fell has been hurt.
If, on stopping an omnibus, you find that a dozen people are already seated in it, draw back, and refuse to add to the number; giving no heed to the assertion of the driver, that "there is plenty of room." The passengers will not say so, and you have no right to crowd them all, even if you are willing to be crowded yourself—a thing that is extremely uncomfortable, and very injurious to your dress, which may, in consequence, be so squeezed and rumpled as never to look well again. None of the omnibuses are large enough to accommodate even twelve grown people comfortably; and that number is the utmost the law permits. A child occupies more than half the space of a grown person, yet children are brought into omnibuses ad libitum. Ten grown persons are as many as can be really well seated in an omnibus—twelve are too many; and a lady will always regret making the thirteenth—and her want of consideration in doing so will cause her to be regarded with unfavourable eyes by the other passengers. It is better for her to go into a shop, and wait for the next omnibus, or even to walk home, unless it is actually raining.
Have your sixpence ready in your fingers a few minutes before you are to get out; and you may request any gentleman near you to hand it up to the driver. So many accidents have happened from the driver setting off before a lady was entirely out of the vehicle and safely landed in the street, that it is well to desire the gentleman not to hand up the sixpence till after you are fairly clear of the steps.
When expecting to ride in an omnibus, take care to have sufficient small change in your purse—that is, sixpences. "We have seen, when a quarter-dollar has been handed up, and the driver was handing down the change, that it has fallen, and been scattered among the straw. There was no stopping to search for it, and therefore the ride cost twenty-five cents instead of six: the driver, of course, finding the change himself, as soon as he got rid of all his passengers.
It is most imprudent to ride in an omnibus with much money in your purse. Pickpockets of genteel appearance are too frequently among the passengers. We know a gentleman who in this way lost a pocketbook containing eighty dollars; and various ladies have had their purses taken from them, by welldressed passengers. If you are obliged to have money of any consequence about you, keep your hand all the time in that pocket.
If the driver allows a drunken man to come into an omnibus, the ladies will find it best to get out; at least those whose seats are near his. It is, however, the duty of the gentlemen to insist on such fellows being refused admittance where there are ladies.
No lady should venture to ride in an omnibus after dark, unless she is escorted by a gentleman whom she knows. She had better walk home, even under the protection of a servant. If alone in an omnibus at night, she is liable to meet with improper company, and perhaps be insulted.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Letter Writing
Today we text and we have cell phones, email, instant messaging, etc. Back in the 19th century letter writing was at the heart of almost all correspondence. Below is an example given by Arthur Martine in his little book "Martine's sensible letter-writer." ©1866 I stumbled across this little gem while searching ebay, believe it or not. Google books has the entire book available for download You might want to download a copy to get a sense of the language used during that time period. You won't find LOL or any of the other modern day short cuts but it is quite enjoyable to see how they choose their wording.
To a Friend, on being Married.
New York, Oct. 10th, 18—. My Dear Frank,—I believe there are certain stereotyped phrases in which it is customary to congratulate newly married folks ; but utterly discarding all rules and regulations in such cases made and provided, I wish you joy in the familiar words which our friendship warrants and my feelings suggest. If your married life is half as happy as I desire it to be, you will have good cause to be satisfied with your lot. Present my kind regards and compliments to your bride. Wishing you many happy returns of the anniversary of the wedding-day, I remain, Your attached friend,
Frederick Fielding.
To Francis Moore, Esq., Cincinnati, Ohio.
Reply to the Foregoing.
Broadway, Cincinnati, Oct . 15th, 18—. Dear Fred,—Lest you should think my happiness— which I can assure you is complete—has made me forgetful of a valued friend, I take the earliest possible opportunity of thanking you for the good wishes you tender to myself and my dear Lucy. I think they will be realized as far as mutual affection can realize them. To say the truth, I am so delighted with my condition as a Benedict that I feel inclined to say to every bachelor and widower, "Go and do likewise." Yours truly,
Frank Moore.
To a Friend, on being Married.
New York, Oct. 10th, 18—. My Dear Frank,—I believe there are certain stereotyped phrases in which it is customary to congratulate newly married folks ; but utterly discarding all rules and regulations in such cases made and provided, I wish you joy in the familiar words which our friendship warrants and my feelings suggest. If your married life is half as happy as I desire it to be, you will have good cause to be satisfied with your lot. Present my kind regards and compliments to your bride. Wishing you many happy returns of the anniversary of the wedding-day, I remain, Your attached friend,
Frederick Fielding.
To Francis Moore, Esq., Cincinnati, Ohio.
Reply to the Foregoing.
Broadway, Cincinnati, Oct . 15th, 18—. Dear Fred,—Lest you should think my happiness— which I can assure you is complete—has made me forgetful of a valued friend, I take the earliest possible opportunity of thanking you for the good wishes you tender to myself and my dear Lucy. I think they will be realized as far as mutual affection can realize them. To say the truth, I am so delighted with my condition as a Benedict that I feel inclined to say to every bachelor and widower, "Go and do likewise." Yours truly,
Frank Moore.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Character & Manners
One of the ways Character and Manners were taught in the 19th century was through the use of stories. The paragraphs below come from Pencil Sketches: or outlines of character and manners © 1835 by Eliza Leslie
JOHN W. ROBERTSON
A TALE OF A CENT.
Some there be that shadows kiss.—Shakespeare.
Selina Mansel was only sixteen when she took charge of her father's house and entered on the arduous task of doing as she pleased: provided always that she duly attended to his chief injunction, never to allow herself to incur a debt, however trifling, and to purchase nothing that she could not pay for on the spot. To the observance of this rule, which he had laid down for himself in early life, Mr. Mansel attributed all his success in business, and his ability to retire at the age of fifty with a handsome competence.
Since the death of his wife, Mr. Mansel's sister had presided over his family, and had taken much interest in instructing Selina in what she justly termed the most useful part of a woman's education, Such was Miss Eleanor Mansel's devotion to her brother and his daughter, that she had hesitated for twelve years about returning an intelligible answer to the love-letters which she received quarterly from Mr. Waitstill Wonderly, a gentleman whose dwelling-place was in the far, far east. Every two years this paragon of patience came in person: his home being at a distance of several hundred miles, and his habits by no means so itinerant as those of the generality of his countrymen.
On his sixth avatar, Miss Mansel consented to reward with her hand the constancy of her inamorato; as Selina had, within the last twelvemonth, made up two pieces of linen for her father, prepared the annual quantity of pickles and preserves, and superintended two house-cleanings, all herself—thus giving proof positive that she was fully competent to succeed her aunt Eleanor as mistress of the establishment.
Selina Mansel was a very good and a very pretty girl. Though living in a large and flourishing provincial town, which we shall denominate Somerford, she had been brought up in comparative retirement, and had scarcely yet begun to go into company, as it is called. Her understanding was naturally excellent; but she was timid, sensitive, easily disconcerted, and likely to appear to considerable disadvantage in any situation that was the least embarrassing.
You can read the rest of the story at Google books.
JOHN W. ROBERTSON
A TALE OF A CENT.
Some there be that shadows kiss.—Shakespeare.
Selina Mansel was only sixteen when she took charge of her father's house and entered on the arduous task of doing as she pleased: provided always that she duly attended to his chief injunction, never to allow herself to incur a debt, however trifling, and to purchase nothing that she could not pay for on the spot. To the observance of this rule, which he had laid down for himself in early life, Mr. Mansel attributed all his success in business, and his ability to retire at the age of fifty with a handsome competence.
Since the death of his wife, Mr. Mansel's sister had presided over his family, and had taken much interest in instructing Selina in what she justly termed the most useful part of a woman's education, Such was Miss Eleanor Mansel's devotion to her brother and his daughter, that she had hesitated for twelve years about returning an intelligible answer to the love-letters which she received quarterly from Mr. Waitstill Wonderly, a gentleman whose dwelling-place was in the far, far east. Every two years this paragon of patience came in person: his home being at a distance of several hundred miles, and his habits by no means so itinerant as those of the generality of his countrymen.
On his sixth avatar, Miss Mansel consented to reward with her hand the constancy of her inamorato; as Selina had, within the last twelvemonth, made up two pieces of linen for her father, prepared the annual quantity of pickles and preserves, and superintended two house-cleanings, all herself—thus giving proof positive that she was fully competent to succeed her aunt Eleanor as mistress of the establishment.
Selina Mansel was a very good and a very pretty girl. Though living in a large and flourishing provincial town, which we shall denominate Somerford, she had been brought up in comparative retirement, and had scarcely yet begun to go into company, as it is called. Her understanding was naturally excellent; but she was timid, sensitive, easily disconcerted, and likely to appear to considerable disadvantage in any situation that was the least embarrassing.
You can read the rest of the story at Google books.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Etiquette of Carriage & Equestrian Exercises
Below you will find a short chapter from "FASHIONS: The Power that Influences the World" by George Fox ©1871
THE ETIQUETTE OF CARRIAGE AND EQUESTRIAN EXERCISES.
" But Coach ! Coach! Coach !
Oh, for a coach, ye gods ! "—Carey.
" He does allot for every exercise
A sev'ral hour, for sloth, the nurse of vicss
And rust of action, is a stranger to him."—Massinger.
The gentleman having handed the lady into the carriage in the manner before mentioned, places her farthest from the open door, and seats himself beside her; if there are two ladies, he sits opposite to them, giving them the rear seats. In accompanying a lady on horseback, some little skill is necessary in assisting her in seating herself gracefully and conveniently in her saddle. The lady having disengaged her feet from the riding-habit, takes the reins in her right hand, holding her robes in the left. She puts her hand upon the shoulder of the horse, and, slightly raising the left foot, the gentleman gently assists her to vault into the saddle. As soon as she has arranged her position upon the saddle, the gentleman places the stirrup upon the left foot, and then arranges her drapery, in windy weather, fastening it under her feet, with a shawl pin. Some taste and tact are required in doing this last service, so as to leave the skirt free and graceful. In dismounting, you take the broach from the skirt and release the left foot from being encumbered by the habit The lady disengages herself from the pomel of the saddle, and, standing in the stirrup, the gentleman takes her by the waist with both hands, and whilst she makes her skirts shorter, assists her to reach the ground. Whilst riding with a lady, place her horse on your right; it is easier for her to converse with you on that side than on the other. Always accommodate the pace of your horse to that of the lady's; if, however, you are riding by a line of carriages, you must place your fair charge farthest from the vehicles.
THE ETIQUETTE OF CARRIAGE AND EQUESTRIAN EXERCISES.
" But Coach ! Coach! Coach !
Oh, for a coach, ye gods ! "—Carey.
" He does allot for every exercise
A sev'ral hour, for sloth, the nurse of vicss
And rust of action, is a stranger to him."—Massinger.
The gentleman having handed the lady into the carriage in the manner before mentioned, places her farthest from the open door, and seats himself beside her; if there are two ladies, he sits opposite to them, giving them the rear seats. In accompanying a lady on horseback, some little skill is necessary in assisting her in seating herself gracefully and conveniently in her saddle. The lady having disengaged her feet from the riding-habit, takes the reins in her right hand, holding her robes in the left. She puts her hand upon the shoulder of the horse, and, slightly raising the left foot, the gentleman gently assists her to vault into the saddle. As soon as she has arranged her position upon the saddle, the gentleman places the stirrup upon the left foot, and then arranges her drapery, in windy weather, fastening it under her feet, with a shawl pin. Some taste and tact are required in doing this last service, so as to leave the skirt free and graceful. In dismounting, you take the broach from the skirt and release the left foot from being encumbered by the habit The lady disengages herself from the pomel of the saddle, and, standing in the stirrup, the gentleman takes her by the waist with both hands, and whilst she makes her skirts shorter, assists her to reach the ground. Whilst riding with a lady, place her horse on your right; it is easier for her to converse with you on that side than on the other. Always accommodate the pace of your horse to that of the lady's; if, however, you are riding by a line of carriages, you must place your fair charge farthest from the vehicles.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Calling or Visitation 19th Century Etiquette
Below is an excerpt from "Etiquette for Americans" ©1898
CALLING
After introductions, visits—as we commonly term them in this country, "calls"—come next in preliminary sequence. To "make a call" has an inelegant robustness of tone to one not used to hearing it; but Americans cannot plead that they are not used to hearing it. And the expression is not only general, but universal here. "Paying visits," the neat substitute for the rougher phrase, is not yet in colloquial use.
Visiting or calling hours are now limited, and most sensibly, to a restricted time in the afternoon. No one not privileged, on pressing business, or extremely intimate, would think of invading a household before three o'clock. And as it is only of formal visiting we are speaking—"running in" to friends' or neighbors' houses familiarly need not be mentioned in connection with the subject. So great a nuisance did the old-fashioned habit of callers, of spreading themselves thereon whole days, some people calling in the mornings, others in the afternoons, still others evenings, and all on any day in the week, become, that the custom of restricting hours to certain parts of days, and then to certain days of the week, was started in self-preservation; and now, in large cities, is general. No one can be offended who is refused at half-past two on a Tuesday, when "Mondays, three to six," is plainly engraven on a carte de visite. The hostess, on the other hand, who excuses herself within these limits, will find it hard to make her peace with disgusted visitors, who have stretched a point to conform to restrictions made by the offender herself.
It is a good rule to stay only fifteen minutes at a formal, at any rate a first call, unless, of course, urged to stay longer for some special reason. It is an equally good rule to depart as the room becomes crowded and talking grows more difficult, at all events, to relinquish one's place near the hostess. Tea is universally served on calling days in all well-regulated houses; but if you are obliged to go very early, say at three o'clock, it is good form to decline the offer of tea made specially for you, not only because of the TEA TOO EARLY
unseasonable hour, but because it makes a great deal of trouble. This sounds like superfluous advice; but most persons who go out calling much will relate at least one instance of some absent-minded female, who, straying in without regard to the time, accepts the offer of tea at three o'clock, waits till it comes in, and then departs—finding how early it is—without drinking a drop. Of such is the kingdom of callers.
'' Little speeches'' are now ruled out pretty generally in the routine of calling. It is foolish to pretend that "calling" is more than routine; and the more quietly one enters, and the more unobtrusively departs, the better pleased will the hostess be. Above all, don't keep her standing an hour, while you lecture or "orate," or go over somebody's history, while everybody else sits about looking foolish.
Put your card on a convenient place in the hall, or on the tray the servant holds out for you, and mention your name to the manservant, if there is one. A man or a maid usually takes the card on a tray, and stands holding the curtains (perhaps) aside, for yon to enter, speaking your name audibly at the same time. Sending or taking the card in before you to the drawing-room on "afternoons," is obsolete.
A man does exactly the same as a woman, except that he takes off his overcoat, if he wears one, in the hall. His hat and stick he also deposits outside. This rule is not generally observed, but should be. The drawingroom is no place for the hat; and of course the hat and stick go and stay together.
A man in this country must be asked to call, before he may venture to do so. To take away the awkwardness or suspicion of forwardness from such an act, it may be stated that a lady usually knows when a gentleman wishes to call, and if he has been out of his way to be civil to her, she is safe in asking him. He then calls as soon as possible after the invitation is given. After that, if it is a family of much entertaining, he will receive, if his visit has been agreeable, an invitation to dinner. After that, again, he calls within a week, and then he may be summoned for informal occasions, etc. He is an acquaintance.
This rule is not for young girls, whose mothers must do the asking.
Business men cannot pay visits very easily in the afternoons. In these days, however, a man, on an ordinary week day, is allowed to call in a brown, blue or any colored coat, fancy waistcoat, and derby hat. And he can be admitted up to six o'clock. He, therefore, will usually be able to find half an hour out of the week; and there is always Sunday. Few houses are closed to visitors Sunday afternoons. There is really no excuse for men's delinquencies, especially, and above all, if they have accepted invitations or favors of any sort from ladies.
In dealing with the subject of visiting in general, the receiving party is always a woman, of course. Men receive visits from men at their club, or their offices, and in England, and now possibly in New York, there is a distinct etiquette for these ceremonies. And in that respect, of amenities between men, we should do well to learn from our British cousins. The slapdash and freedom of many men's friendly calls in business offices is disgusting and without palliation. No decent man has a right to see a stranger in his shirtsleeves, with his hat on, and his feet on the table. In England a man would no more keep his hat on in another man's office than in his wife's drawing-room; and it would be well if that one formality were observed and enforced here.
But as for formal visiting among men, it is never done at their houses, if they are married. That is to say, it is always the wife who receives, not the husband. He goes out, if he has any sense, and makes calls himself. For we have borrowed another sensible custorn from England; and that is that when a gentleman, no matter if he is married, has received hospitality at a lady's hands, he is quite capable of paying a visit to show his personal appreciation. It is not necessary for a man to relegate all the visiting to his wife.
The imposing and important question of its being necessary to call (and thus return your own visit!) after a five o'clock tea, or at home, is not mooted in communities where there is any knowledge of society modes. But as in some small towns, and some large cities, of provincial experience only, the point is everlastingly being raised, it may as well be said once, and for all, that it is an utter absurdity to feel obliged to make one call after another. The rash person who issues eight hundred invitations to a tea, has eight hundred calls to return; and if she does not know this simple fact she has been more than rash, she has been ignorant. An exception may be made, as it always is made in any case, for that matter, in favor of old or delicate ladies, who cannot return eight hundred calls; and sometimes, when the hostess makes a special occasion of a tea, and has a set programme of music. But even then calling again is a gratuitous civility, and by no means expected.
You announce that you will be at home between certain hours; your friends, in walking costume, wait upon you. In the words of a slang phrase, it is "up to you;" and yours is the next move.
Nothing excuses delay in returning a first visit within a few days but going out of town, or illness. Nothing can be taken in place of a call after a dinner, a luncheon, a supper, or theaterparty, unless, as said before, you are ill or out of town. A card may be sent with a word of regret, and nothing is as easy, really, as attention of this kind, which invariably pleases the recipient Club life and bicycling, and many other informal matters, have modified the obligation of persons who meet constantly; but it is always better to overdo the polite than to underdo it; and a call after each and every act of civility is a neat courtesy for a woman to pay, and indispensable for a man.
CALLING
After introductions, visits—as we commonly term them in this country, "calls"—come next in preliminary sequence. To "make a call" has an inelegant robustness of tone to one not used to hearing it; but Americans cannot plead that they are not used to hearing it. And the expression is not only general, but universal here. "Paying visits," the neat substitute for the rougher phrase, is not yet in colloquial use.
Visiting or calling hours are now limited, and most sensibly, to a restricted time in the afternoon. No one not privileged, on pressing business, or extremely intimate, would think of invading a household before three o'clock. And as it is only of formal visiting we are speaking—"running in" to friends' or neighbors' houses familiarly need not be mentioned in connection with the subject. So great a nuisance did the old-fashioned habit of callers, of spreading themselves thereon whole days, some people calling in the mornings, others in the afternoons, still others evenings, and all on any day in the week, become, that the custom of restricting hours to certain parts of days, and then to certain days of the week, was started in self-preservation; and now, in large cities, is general. No one can be offended who is refused at half-past two on a Tuesday, when "Mondays, three to six," is plainly engraven on a carte de visite. The hostess, on the other hand, who excuses herself within these limits, will find it hard to make her peace with disgusted visitors, who have stretched a point to conform to restrictions made by the offender herself.
It is a good rule to stay only fifteen minutes at a formal, at any rate a first call, unless, of course, urged to stay longer for some special reason. It is an equally good rule to depart as the room becomes crowded and talking grows more difficult, at all events, to relinquish one's place near the hostess. Tea is universally served on calling days in all well-regulated houses; but if you are obliged to go very early, say at three o'clock, it is good form to decline the offer of tea made specially for you, not only because of the TEA TOO EARLY
unseasonable hour, but because it makes a great deal of trouble. This sounds like superfluous advice; but most persons who go out calling much will relate at least one instance of some absent-minded female, who, straying in without regard to the time, accepts the offer of tea at three o'clock, waits till it comes in, and then departs—finding how early it is—without drinking a drop. Of such is the kingdom of callers.
'' Little speeches'' are now ruled out pretty generally in the routine of calling. It is foolish to pretend that "calling" is more than routine; and the more quietly one enters, and the more unobtrusively departs, the better pleased will the hostess be. Above all, don't keep her standing an hour, while you lecture or "orate," or go over somebody's history, while everybody else sits about looking foolish.
Put your card on a convenient place in the hall, or on the tray the servant holds out for you, and mention your name to the manservant, if there is one. A man or a maid usually takes the card on a tray, and stands holding the curtains (perhaps) aside, for yon to enter, speaking your name audibly at the same time. Sending or taking the card in before you to the drawing-room on "afternoons," is obsolete.
A man does exactly the same as a woman, except that he takes off his overcoat, if he wears one, in the hall. His hat and stick he also deposits outside. This rule is not generally observed, but should be. The drawingroom is no place for the hat; and of course the hat and stick go and stay together.
A man in this country must be asked to call, before he may venture to do so. To take away the awkwardness or suspicion of forwardness from such an act, it may be stated that a lady usually knows when a gentleman wishes to call, and if he has been out of his way to be civil to her, she is safe in asking him. He then calls as soon as possible after the invitation is given. After that, if it is a family of much entertaining, he will receive, if his visit has been agreeable, an invitation to dinner. After that, again, he calls within a week, and then he may be summoned for informal occasions, etc. He is an acquaintance.
This rule is not for young girls, whose mothers must do the asking.
Business men cannot pay visits very easily in the afternoons. In these days, however, a man, on an ordinary week day, is allowed to call in a brown, blue or any colored coat, fancy waistcoat, and derby hat. And he can be admitted up to six o'clock. He, therefore, will usually be able to find half an hour out of the week; and there is always Sunday. Few houses are closed to visitors Sunday afternoons. There is really no excuse for men's delinquencies, especially, and above all, if they have accepted invitations or favors of any sort from ladies.
In dealing with the subject of visiting in general, the receiving party is always a woman, of course. Men receive visits from men at their club, or their offices, and in England, and now possibly in New York, there is a distinct etiquette for these ceremonies. And in that respect, of amenities between men, we should do well to learn from our British cousins. The slapdash and freedom of many men's friendly calls in business offices is disgusting and without palliation. No decent man has a right to see a stranger in his shirtsleeves, with his hat on, and his feet on the table. In England a man would no more keep his hat on in another man's office than in his wife's drawing-room; and it would be well if that one formality were observed and enforced here.
But as for formal visiting among men, it is never done at their houses, if they are married. That is to say, it is always the wife who receives, not the husband. He goes out, if he has any sense, and makes calls himself. For we have borrowed another sensible custorn from England; and that is that when a gentleman, no matter if he is married, has received hospitality at a lady's hands, he is quite capable of paying a visit to show his personal appreciation. It is not necessary for a man to relegate all the visiting to his wife.
The imposing and important question of its being necessary to call (and thus return your own visit!) after a five o'clock tea, or at home, is not mooted in communities where there is any knowledge of society modes. But as in some small towns, and some large cities, of provincial experience only, the point is everlastingly being raised, it may as well be said once, and for all, that it is an utter absurdity to feel obliged to make one call after another. The rash person who issues eight hundred invitations to a tea, has eight hundred calls to return; and if she does not know this simple fact she has been more than rash, she has been ignorant. An exception may be made, as it always is made in any case, for that matter, in favor of old or delicate ladies, who cannot return eight hundred calls; and sometimes, when the hostess makes a special occasion of a tea, and has a set programme of music. But even then calling again is a gratuitous civility, and by no means expected.
You announce that you will be at home between certain hours; your friends, in walking costume, wait upon you. In the words of a slang phrase, it is "up to you;" and yours is the next move.
Nothing excuses delay in returning a first visit within a few days but going out of town, or illness. Nothing can be taken in place of a call after a dinner, a luncheon, a supper, or theaterparty, unless, as said before, you are ill or out of town. A card may be sent with a word of regret, and nothing is as easy, really, as attention of this kind, which invariably pleases the recipient Club life and bicycling, and many other informal matters, have modified the obligation of persons who meet constantly; but it is always better to overdo the polite than to underdo it; and a call after each and every act of civility is a neat courtesy for a woman to pay, and indispensable for a man.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Etiquette of Courtship and Matrimony
Below is a chapter from the book "FASHION: The Power that Influences the World" by George Fox ©1871
THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY.
" Oh, the daya are gone when beauty bright my heart's chain wove,
When the dream of life, from morn to night, was love, still love.
Oh, flowers may bloom, and skies may gleam with purer, brighter beam,
But there's nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream."
By all the laws of Society, a gentleman of true principles has a right to ascertain the physical and moral and mental qualifications of a young lady, before he commits himself to a courtship, from which an honorable man finds a difficulty in disengaging himseif. The course a true gentleman should pursue under such circumstances, is to observe the respect and attention due to the lady and her family. We are bound not to permit an innocent and unsuspecting girl to remain one day without parental advice and protection in this most trying epoch in her life. So soon as a gentleman feels that the sentiment a young lady has inspired in him may lead to an ultimate union, he should make known his wishes to her father, and ask if his attentions meet with the approval of her parents. This is necessary upon two grounds; it is due to theni, and will prevent the pain of a refusal and consequent disappointment, which might occur at a more advanced period. In the United States the customs attending courtships differ materially from those of Europe. For the actual happiness of both parties, the gentleman should not take the lady out riding in a carriage alone or on horseback, until an actual engagement has taken place. So long as fashion sanctions a young man in his attentions to the lady of his choice, he should observe that punctilious demeanor towards her, as not to compromise her in society. Parents love their daughters dearly, that they fear as much to have their affections blighted, as they do to have their fame called in question. The educated and conscientious gentleman of mature judgment, the high-toned man of honor, would never tempt an unsuspecting girl to elope with him; in so doing, he risks his reputation, and their own happiness, while he gives the severest blow to that of her parents, who he must remember are entitled to her first confidence and his respect. The daughter may be forgiven after a lapse of time, but the act can never be justified.
The polite gentleman should be well assured that he possesses the lady's love before he asks her hand. If the lady refuse him, he should allow no resentment, however much his feelings may suffer. Where so important and solemn a step as a fate for life is decided on, the lady should have the right of full reflection, and if a doubt of ultimate happiness should cross her mind, she has a full justification, at the last hour, in declining the proffered hand. If the lady be a flirt, the gentleman may well rejoice, instead of grieving that he has avoided an unhappy union.
If a gentleman of refinement really loves a lady, and deems her worthy of his love, he will never use words of endearment, or nauseous love-terms, towards her in society. After an engagement, each calling the other by the Christian name, is sufficient proof of mutual confidence and attachment; besides, true and delicate love is as jealous of the expression of its affection as it is of its reciprocal truth.
The purpose of this brief recapitulation of the code of fashionable intercourse is to show its moral and humanitarian influences upon society, and that all good breeding is derived from the truest of all philosophical data. Our own happiness is secured by the promotion of the happiness of those with whom we are associated; the toleration of the impulses and passions of our nature, and the deficiency of reason which at times should control them, have served to unsettle much of the grace and harmony of society. In a community of equal social and political rights, where the wily politician seeks, through the passions or prejudices of men, to ride into power upon the influence they create, a large amount of mischief must be occasioned by their unnatural excitement Eefined society should prove that the exercise of wisdom, in restraining our passions within the oorrect limits, constitutes the truest happiness, and to teach us that to ensure felicity, we must respect the rights of all, and share them in common.
The duty of the man of fashion, and of honor, is to curb these excitements, and to promote the influence of reason in society, so as to overcome all obstacles to its complete harmony, thus proving incontestibly that a good heart and a love of honesty, equal justice and equal rights, are the only true foundations of real politeness and gentleman-like demeanor, and thereby influencing a nation's happiness by the laws of fashion.
Separate the knave from the honest man, the counterfeit from the genuine, by understood signs, private badges, numbers and recognized recorded signals, credentials, distinguishing, in a word, the best from the worst species of mankind.
THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY.
" Oh, the daya are gone when beauty bright my heart's chain wove,
When the dream of life, from morn to night, was love, still love.
Oh, flowers may bloom, and skies may gleam with purer, brighter beam,
But there's nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream."
By all the laws of Society, a gentleman of true principles has a right to ascertain the physical and moral and mental qualifications of a young lady, before he commits himself to a courtship, from which an honorable man finds a difficulty in disengaging himseif. The course a true gentleman should pursue under such circumstances, is to observe the respect and attention due to the lady and her family. We are bound not to permit an innocent and unsuspecting girl to remain one day without parental advice and protection in this most trying epoch in her life. So soon as a gentleman feels that the sentiment a young lady has inspired in him may lead to an ultimate union, he should make known his wishes to her father, and ask if his attentions meet with the approval of her parents. This is necessary upon two grounds; it is due to theni, and will prevent the pain of a refusal and consequent disappointment, which might occur at a more advanced period. In the United States the customs attending courtships differ materially from those of Europe. For the actual happiness of both parties, the gentleman should not take the lady out riding in a carriage alone or on horseback, until an actual engagement has taken place. So long as fashion sanctions a young man in his attentions to the lady of his choice, he should observe that punctilious demeanor towards her, as not to compromise her in society. Parents love their daughters dearly, that they fear as much to have their affections blighted, as they do to have their fame called in question. The educated and conscientious gentleman of mature judgment, the high-toned man of honor, would never tempt an unsuspecting girl to elope with him; in so doing, he risks his reputation, and their own happiness, while he gives the severest blow to that of her parents, who he must remember are entitled to her first confidence and his respect. The daughter may be forgiven after a lapse of time, but the act can never be justified.
The polite gentleman should be well assured that he possesses the lady's love before he asks her hand. If the lady refuse him, he should allow no resentment, however much his feelings may suffer. Where so important and solemn a step as a fate for life is decided on, the lady should have the right of full reflection, and if a doubt of ultimate happiness should cross her mind, she has a full justification, at the last hour, in declining the proffered hand. If the lady be a flirt, the gentleman may well rejoice, instead of grieving that he has avoided an unhappy union.
If a gentleman of refinement really loves a lady, and deems her worthy of his love, he will never use words of endearment, or nauseous love-terms, towards her in society. After an engagement, each calling the other by the Christian name, is sufficient proof of mutual confidence and attachment; besides, true and delicate love is as jealous of the expression of its affection as it is of its reciprocal truth.
The purpose of this brief recapitulation of the code of fashionable intercourse is to show its moral and humanitarian influences upon society, and that all good breeding is derived from the truest of all philosophical data. Our own happiness is secured by the promotion of the happiness of those with whom we are associated; the toleration of the impulses and passions of our nature, and the deficiency of reason which at times should control them, have served to unsettle much of the grace and harmony of society. In a community of equal social and political rights, where the wily politician seeks, through the passions or prejudices of men, to ride into power upon the influence they create, a large amount of mischief must be occasioned by their unnatural excitement Eefined society should prove that the exercise of wisdom, in restraining our passions within the oorrect limits, constitutes the truest happiness, and to teach us that to ensure felicity, we must respect the rights of all, and share them in common.
The duty of the man of fashion, and of honor, is to curb these excitements, and to promote the influence of reason in society, so as to overcome all obstacles to its complete harmony, thus proving incontestibly that a good heart and a love of honesty, equal justice and equal rights, are the only true foundations of real politeness and gentleman-like demeanor, and thereby influencing a nation's happiness by the laws of fashion.
Separate the knave from the honest man, the counterfeit from the genuine, by understood signs, private badges, numbers and recognized recorded signals, credentials, distinguishing, in a word, the best from the worst species of mankind.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Social Entertainments
Etiquette during the 19th Century tended to be more formal than today. Below is not only how to conduct these parties but the differences between them, along with the 'rules' of etiquette to guide you.
CLASSES OF SOCIAL ENTERTAINMENTS. These entertainments may be classed as
General Entertainments, including Receptions, Drawing Rooms, or "At Homes," Balls, Parties, Soirees, Germans and Kettle Drums, &c., and
Select Entertainments, including Dinners, Breakfasts, Luncheons, Coffees Teas and Suppers. The former embrace persons in social relations with the host and hostess. The latter are limited to intimate friends, or those whom it is desired to specially honor for some particular reason, and no person in society has a right to feel slighted if not invited.
HOURS. In all social entertainments, unless the houis are mentioned, the time of arrival should be from 8 to 10 p m., and the lime of departure from II p. m. to 12 midnight. Dancing parties usually end at 2 a m.
AT THE DOOR. Upon all occasions of receptions, balls, parties and the more elaborate social affairs it is customary to stretch a carpet, and often an awning from the carriage steps to the door. A footman or servant should be stationed at the carriage step to open the doors of the carriages of arriving guests, and to give them the numbers of their conveyances, and should aid them in securing their conveyances when they leave. The gentlemen should remember their numbers so as to avoid confusion and delay when they depart.
GENERAL RULES. There are certain rules of decorum which apply to all social entertainments, and should be observed by host, hostess and guests, in order to preserve that degree of harmony and propriety which are essential to the full enjoyment of all present. Thest may be summarized as follows:
ARRIVING Upon entering the house proceed directly and quietly to the rooms set apart fcr ladies' wrappings and gentlemen's hats and coats. To attempt to create a sensation is low. In ascending the stairs the lady should go first, and in descending the ger tleman should go first to be ready to receive his lady at the foot.
ENTERING. The gentleman should offer his left arm to the lady, which she should accept by gracefully and lightly resting her hand therein. The couple should then proceed to the drawing-room. Upon entering they should bow and address the host and hostess. After that they greet any of the guests they may meet in the course of the evening. It is not necessary to go through he entire party in regular order.
THE HOST AND HOSTESS. In your own house all your guests are equal for the time being, and have equal claims upon your attention. A host and hostess should not overlook their younger guests. Their appearance in society is attended with natural reserve and timidity, and an effort should be made to make them feel at ease. The relief and encouragement which such treatment gives to a young lady or gentleman, mingling with older and more experienced persons, will never be forgotten.
DON'T. Avoid being officious by assuming to do the honors in another's house, unless requested, and do not constitute yourself master of ceremonies unless asked to do so by the host or hostess.
Do not offer a person a chair from which you have just risen, unless there be no other in the room.
Never take the chair of the mistress of the house, even though she be absent.
Neve.- force yourself in a position to be recognized by another. If you desire recognition make it appear as if you met by accident.
AS GUEST. A gentleman shou'd always address his wife in company as
Mrs and never by her initial nor her Christian name, nor "my
wife." The christian name should only be used among relatives or very intimate friends. This rule will apply with even more force to a lady.
In a serial entertainment persons can open a conversation with each other without an introduction, as the place and circumstances indicate that none but persons of the same social class are present. The acquaintance, however, terminates with the evening, and no recognition is required thereafter. If the acquaintance is to be continued, the parties should be formally introduced.
It is the heighth of impoliteness to take any one to a social entertainment, no matter how intimate your relations with the host or hostess, without first inquiring whether it would be agreeable.
Lounging on sofas or easy chairs, in society, is impolite, and with ladies present, extremely vulgar. No one in good health should appear in society unless physically equal to the decorum of the occasion.
To be wandering about the room, in company, and handling articles of vertu is an evidence of vulgar breeding. Such things can be admired more appropriately by the sense of sight than the sense of touch.
Pride and display are never regarded as the evidences of consequence on the part of individuals, and generally inspires the contempt rather than the admiration of those whom it is designed to impress. Those most entitled to position make the least display of it.
It is the height of impropriety for persons to carry their whims into company. If they are not in the frame of mind to be agreeable, their absence would be more satisfactory than their company In a mixed company no one cares about the grievances, afflictions or notions of others. Exhibitions of emotion in company should also be repressed.
A person should never lose temper in company, and should not notice any supposed slight. If any one adopts an offensive manner, strive to appear not to notice it. If it should require attention do not disturb the entire company, but wait until the party retires.
DEPARTURE. Upon withdrawing after a social entertainment of any kind, it is proper before leaving the Drawing Room and while taking leave to express to the host and hostess the pleasure you have experienced during the evening. In taking your departure do so with as little commotion as possible.
RETURN CALLS. Those who have accepted social recognition in the way of invitations to social entertainments, should make a call upon the hostess on her first reception day after the event. If she has no day for receiving, a call should be made or a card left within ten days. This applies whether the invitation were accepted or declined.
Source: Hand-book of Official and Social Etiquette ©1889
CLASSES OF SOCIAL ENTERTAINMENTS. These entertainments may be classed as
General Entertainments, including Receptions, Drawing Rooms, or "At Homes," Balls, Parties, Soirees, Germans and Kettle Drums, &c., and
Select Entertainments, including Dinners, Breakfasts, Luncheons, Coffees Teas and Suppers. The former embrace persons in social relations with the host and hostess. The latter are limited to intimate friends, or those whom it is desired to specially honor for some particular reason, and no person in society has a right to feel slighted if not invited.
HOURS. In all social entertainments, unless the houis are mentioned, the time of arrival should be from 8 to 10 p m., and the lime of departure from II p. m. to 12 midnight. Dancing parties usually end at 2 a m.
AT THE DOOR. Upon all occasions of receptions, balls, parties and the more elaborate social affairs it is customary to stretch a carpet, and often an awning from the carriage steps to the door. A footman or servant should be stationed at the carriage step to open the doors of the carriages of arriving guests, and to give them the numbers of their conveyances, and should aid them in securing their conveyances when they leave. The gentlemen should remember their numbers so as to avoid confusion and delay when they depart.
GENERAL RULES. There are certain rules of decorum which apply to all social entertainments, and should be observed by host, hostess and guests, in order to preserve that degree of harmony and propriety which are essential to the full enjoyment of all present. Thest may be summarized as follows:
ARRIVING Upon entering the house proceed directly and quietly to the rooms set apart fcr ladies' wrappings and gentlemen's hats and coats. To attempt to create a sensation is low. In ascending the stairs the lady should go first, and in descending the ger tleman should go first to be ready to receive his lady at the foot.
ENTERING. The gentleman should offer his left arm to the lady, which she should accept by gracefully and lightly resting her hand therein. The couple should then proceed to the drawing-room. Upon entering they should bow and address the host and hostess. After that they greet any of the guests they may meet in the course of the evening. It is not necessary to go through he entire party in regular order.
THE HOST AND HOSTESS. In your own house all your guests are equal for the time being, and have equal claims upon your attention. A host and hostess should not overlook their younger guests. Their appearance in society is attended with natural reserve and timidity, and an effort should be made to make them feel at ease. The relief and encouragement which such treatment gives to a young lady or gentleman, mingling with older and more experienced persons, will never be forgotten.
DON'T. Avoid being officious by assuming to do the honors in another's house, unless requested, and do not constitute yourself master of ceremonies unless asked to do so by the host or hostess.
Do not offer a person a chair from which you have just risen, unless there be no other in the room.
Never take the chair of the mistress of the house, even though she be absent.
Neve.- force yourself in a position to be recognized by another. If you desire recognition make it appear as if you met by accident.
AS GUEST. A gentleman shou'd always address his wife in company as
Mrs and never by her initial nor her Christian name, nor "my
wife." The christian name should only be used among relatives or very intimate friends. This rule will apply with even more force to a lady.
In a serial entertainment persons can open a conversation with each other without an introduction, as the place and circumstances indicate that none but persons of the same social class are present. The acquaintance, however, terminates with the evening, and no recognition is required thereafter. If the acquaintance is to be continued, the parties should be formally introduced.
It is the heighth of impoliteness to take any one to a social entertainment, no matter how intimate your relations with the host or hostess, without first inquiring whether it would be agreeable.
Lounging on sofas or easy chairs, in society, is impolite, and with ladies present, extremely vulgar. No one in good health should appear in society unless physically equal to the decorum of the occasion.
To be wandering about the room, in company, and handling articles of vertu is an evidence of vulgar breeding. Such things can be admired more appropriately by the sense of sight than the sense of touch.
Pride and display are never regarded as the evidences of consequence on the part of individuals, and generally inspires the contempt rather than the admiration of those whom it is designed to impress. Those most entitled to position make the least display of it.
It is the height of impropriety for persons to carry their whims into company. If they are not in the frame of mind to be agreeable, their absence would be more satisfactory than their company In a mixed company no one cares about the grievances, afflictions or notions of others. Exhibitions of emotion in company should also be repressed.
A person should never lose temper in company, and should not notice any supposed slight. If any one adopts an offensive manner, strive to appear not to notice it. If it should require attention do not disturb the entire company, but wait until the party retires.
DEPARTURE. Upon withdrawing after a social entertainment of any kind, it is proper before leaving the Drawing Room and while taking leave to express to the host and hostess the pleasure you have experienced during the evening. In taking your departure do so with as little commotion as possible.
RETURN CALLS. Those who have accepted social recognition in the way of invitations to social entertainments, should make a call upon the hostess on her first reception day after the event. If she has no day for receiving, a call should be made or a card left within ten days. This applies whether the invitation were accepted or declined.
Source: Hand-book of Official and Social Etiquette ©1889
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Proper Settings for Various Rooms
For those of us writing historical novels we often need to refresh ourselves with the various customs and manners of the past. Below are some excerpts from "Manners of Modern Society: Book of Etiquette" ©1878 about how various rooms in the house should appear. Enjoy!
The morning-room should be cheerful and sunshiny, and wear a domestic, cosy look. It is not fitted up with any particular style of furniture. The curtains and covers will be of some kind of smallpatterned chintz, with a carpet to match. Nothing very grand or very new should find its way into this apartment—nothing stiff or formal. Tables here and there, and chairs of different sorts and sizes, a stand with plants, a small piano, a low book-case—these are the principal features in a room of this description, a general elegant deshabille pervading the whole.
The fittings and furniture of the dining-room must be grave, formal, and massive; but not too elaborate. The most prominent feature is the sideboard. The dining-table used to rank high in beauty and finish, but now that is little cared for; and, provided the top be a broad one, it may be of white or any kind of wood, in these degenerate days when the cloth is never removed for dessert.
The carpet and drapery of this room should be dark, and yet warm and bright-looking, and there must be no ornaments save pictures—oil paintings —" a room hung with pictures is a room hung with thoughts"—and one or two ornaments on the mantelpiece.
The library presents generally a sombre aspect; its walls lined with lofty book-shelves, and one or two tables for the purposes of holding writing materials, pamphlets, and papers.
And now we enter the room which, though most persons try their best, so few succeed in furnishing and arranging tastefully; for, after all, the arrangement of the furniture adds greatly to or takes away from the appearance of the room. This is, par excellence, the lady's room—unless the house is large enough to afford her a boudoir—and the character of the lady herself may be told by inspecting that one room. How very seldom we see the model drawingroom! No upholsterer's routine work should be visible here in stiff suites of furniture (except in case of a drawing-room reserved for special occasions); elegant refinement should reign predominant. cheerfulness should go hand-in-hand with taste. Easy chairs are here a sine qua non. There seems to be a natural affinity between civilised beings and easy chairs, for everybody secures one where possible; therefore let them predominate in the drawingroom—some with high backs and some with low, some with straight backs and some with round, in all nooks and corners. Tables must be placed here, there, and everywhere, and yet not in the way; flowers or plants in vases, scattered about; and ornaments, simple or costly as the case may be, but always in good taste, and, above all things, not overcrowded. But the drawing-room will not be complete, nor yet have its properly comfortable look about it, unless there are plenty of books to be found on the tables, and these should be readable and entertaining volumes of prose and poetry, illustrated works, and magazines, which will not only serve their original purpose, but also supply subjects for conversation at all times, and more especially during that mauvais quart d'heure which precedes a dinner.
The greatest charm in such a room is, that it impresses you with the feeling that it is a resort constantly occupied, used, and enjoyed by the lady of the house. There is something indefinable, which chills and depresses one, on entering a room only used on very state occasions—one that is just inhabited while receiving visitors; a room where the fire-irons are arranged in stiff angles; every appliance in formal array, evidently never exercised in daily wear; where the tables are geometrically studded with smartly-bound unread volumes, and the prim couch and stiff chairs look as if they were meant for anything but to be sat upon.
Family comfort and enjoyment lie dead in a room of this description. This idea, once so prevalent, of having a " best room," is less general nowadays. It is a piece of folly and bad taste which has often been decried. A writer to the Connoisseur complains: "I have elegant apartments, but am afraid to enter them. All the furniture, except when we have company, is done up in paper; it is so genteel that we of the household must not use it commonly, which I consider a ridiculous absurdity and a great hardship."
To ensure comfort in one and all rooms, care should be taken that they are equably heated, neither too hot nor too cold—so that one is not roasted by the fire on one side and frozen by a cold draught of air on the other. Francis, sometime Emperor of Austria, said that it required as much talent to warm a room as to govern a kingdom. Of course part of that talent must be supplied by the architect; but judicious management is also required to preserve the equability; and a room full of people will become irrevocably depressed and glum when they are half-stifled with heat or shivering with cold.
The morning-room should be cheerful and sunshiny, and wear a domestic, cosy look. It is not fitted up with any particular style of furniture. The curtains and covers will be of some kind of smallpatterned chintz, with a carpet to match. Nothing very grand or very new should find its way into this apartment—nothing stiff or formal. Tables here and there, and chairs of different sorts and sizes, a stand with plants, a small piano, a low book-case—these are the principal features in a room of this description, a general elegant deshabille pervading the whole.
The fittings and furniture of the dining-room must be grave, formal, and massive; but not too elaborate. The most prominent feature is the sideboard. The dining-table used to rank high in beauty and finish, but now that is little cared for; and, provided the top be a broad one, it may be of white or any kind of wood, in these degenerate days when the cloth is never removed for dessert.
The carpet and drapery of this room should be dark, and yet warm and bright-looking, and there must be no ornaments save pictures—oil paintings —" a room hung with pictures is a room hung with thoughts"—and one or two ornaments on the mantelpiece.
The library presents generally a sombre aspect; its walls lined with lofty book-shelves, and one or two tables for the purposes of holding writing materials, pamphlets, and papers.
And now we enter the room which, though most persons try their best, so few succeed in furnishing and arranging tastefully; for, after all, the arrangement of the furniture adds greatly to or takes away from the appearance of the room. This is, par excellence, the lady's room—unless the house is large enough to afford her a boudoir—and the character of the lady herself may be told by inspecting that one room. How very seldom we see the model drawingroom! No upholsterer's routine work should be visible here in stiff suites of furniture (except in case of a drawing-room reserved for special occasions); elegant refinement should reign predominant. cheerfulness should go hand-in-hand with taste. Easy chairs are here a sine qua non. There seems to be a natural affinity between civilised beings and easy chairs, for everybody secures one where possible; therefore let them predominate in the drawingroom—some with high backs and some with low, some with straight backs and some with round, in all nooks and corners. Tables must be placed here, there, and everywhere, and yet not in the way; flowers or plants in vases, scattered about; and ornaments, simple or costly as the case may be, but always in good taste, and, above all things, not overcrowded. But the drawing-room will not be complete, nor yet have its properly comfortable look about it, unless there are plenty of books to be found on the tables, and these should be readable and entertaining volumes of prose and poetry, illustrated works, and magazines, which will not only serve their original purpose, but also supply subjects for conversation at all times, and more especially during that mauvais quart d'heure which precedes a dinner.
The greatest charm in such a room is, that it impresses you with the feeling that it is a resort constantly occupied, used, and enjoyed by the lady of the house. There is something indefinable, which chills and depresses one, on entering a room only used on very state occasions—one that is just inhabited while receiving visitors; a room where the fire-irons are arranged in stiff angles; every appliance in formal array, evidently never exercised in daily wear; where the tables are geometrically studded with smartly-bound unread volumes, and the prim couch and stiff chairs look as if they were meant for anything but to be sat upon.
Family comfort and enjoyment lie dead in a room of this description. This idea, once so prevalent, of having a " best room," is less general nowadays. It is a piece of folly and bad taste which has often been decried. A writer to the Connoisseur complains: "I have elegant apartments, but am afraid to enter them. All the furniture, except when we have company, is done up in paper; it is so genteel that we of the household must not use it commonly, which I consider a ridiculous absurdity and a great hardship."
To ensure comfort in one and all rooms, care should be taken that they are equably heated, neither too hot nor too cold—so that one is not roasted by the fire on one side and frozen by a cold draught of air on the other. Francis, sometime Emperor of Austria, said that it required as much talent to warm a room as to govern a kingdom. Of course part of that talent must be supplied by the architect; but judicious management is also required to preserve the equability; and a room full of people will become irrevocably depressed and glum when they are half-stifled with heat or shivering with cold.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Dinners, State Dinners, Manners of
In my house, we use manners but we do not have many formal dinners, in fact over 41 years of marriage I think we might have had one possibly two. But our historical characters were quite particular about what to serve, how to serve, how to act, etc. Enjoy this tidbit from The American Code of Manners ©1880
It is strange that the Russians, so lately redeemed from barbarism, have taught the world how to serve a dinner. All diplomatic dinners, all state dinners, and most fashionable dinners, are served d la Xime; which means that nothing appears on the table to eat, but all is handed by the servants from a side table or from behind a screen.
General Washington probably carved his own turkey, even at a state dinner, but President Hayes does not know at all what he is to have for his dinner until he looks at the menu by his side, which was laid there by his butler.
The dinner-table is merely a splendid picture, which remains a picture to the end, unless some one is so unlucky as to overturn a glass of claret on the table-cloth. The epergne or centrepiece in England is generally a splendid piece of silver, covered with flowers and fruits, with a "hot house pine" somewhere in it or about it. Fine candelabra and vases are at either end, and dishes, holding sugar plums and dried candied fruit, are at the lour corners. Very handsome pitchers of glass, holding wine, and elegant decanters are allowable. In fact, everything ornamental is allowed, and nothing that can by use become unseemly is admitted to such a dinner. We all know how disorderly, at certain moments, a dinner looks at which the carving and helping at table are allowed. In the dinner d la Rmse the table always looks well, for the plate before each guest, constantly renewed, is alone responsible for any viand. The company enter, as we have said, the host first, with the lady to whom the dinner is given, and his guests follow, each gentleman standing behind his lady's chair until the hostess has entered and taken her seat. They find before them oysters or clams on the half-shell, on majolica plates, with bits of lemon in the centre of the plate. The servants pass red and black pepper and salt. These are removed and two soups are passed, so that each guest has a choice of soups. These removed, two choices of fish are offered to each guest, and so on, through an elaborate dinner of from ten to sixteen courses, the table meanwhile remaining a beautiful, fresh thing, with flowers and fruits and charming objets d'art to look at. The butler should always place the principal dish for a moment before the hostess, that she may signify by a nod If she is pleased with it.
Books of etiquette sometimes elaborately tell people how to use a napkin and how to hold a fork. But it seems incredible that in the nineteenth century anybody can be ignorant of these simple customs. If there is such a person, let him know that it is not etiquette to pin a napkin up to his coat, or to spread it over his breast. It shonld be across his knees, convenient to his 1 hand. The fork should always be held in the right hand for eating oysters, peas, or anything that is to be conveyed to the mouth, and only transferred to the left hand when meat is to be cut, and it is needed to steady the morsel.
In Europe, particularly in Germany, very wellbred people still eat with the knife; but in this country, in France and England, it is semi-barbarous to bring the knife in contact with the lips. It often shocks well-bred Americans to see a German princess carry cauliflower, peas or potato salad to her delicate mouth on the point of a silver knife, hut such a sight is possible. It is very ugly, and should be avoided here.
The custom of serving dinners d !n Rome should prevent any one from asking for a dish a second time; indeed, this is never done at a state dinner. There is little need of it.
We have spoken of the epergne. The fancy now, in this country, is to replace the high ornaments by low baskets of flowers, and to do away with everything which prevents conversation across the table. Low dishes of majolica, crystal and silver are liked by some. Very many opulent hostesses have the table entirely covered with flowers, and only a space left for the plate, knives, forks and glasses of each guest. This is very beautiful, especially in mid-winter, and for a round table, which is very sociable, it is quite charming. But the high epergne is very stately, and makes a table always look well. A pretty and simple Epergne, which holds flowers for every day, is always a charming object.
Be very careful to avoid mistakes as to the hour of a dinner. Five minutes grace was all that General Washington allowed, and we could follow his example in this as in larger things. A half hour's delay spoils the fish and makes the cook lose his temper. One great " diner out," in New York, always carries his invitations with him, so that if he seems late or early he may dofend himself in his own eyes by glancing at it in the hall.
A small boutonniirc or bunch of flowers awaits him with a card in an envelope, which tells a gentleman, before entering the parlor, which lady he is to take in to dinner. If he does not know her, he must whisper this to the hostess, who will present him to the lady.
At a dinner, forget all animosities. If you are seated next to your deadliest enemy, talk and laugh and make yourself agreeable, to spare your host and hostess annoyance. Everybody is bound to be as agreeable as he can for the benefit of the whole mass.
Be careful, if you have not experienced servants, to instruct them in everything before dinner. Have plenty of side tables and sideboards, where the extra dishes, knives, forks, plates, spoons and glasses may be found. Have extra napkins at hand to replace one which may be stained with wine. No condiments should ever be put on a table except salt, of which every guest should have a little private silver cell before him. After the meats and game, a servant should go with a crumb scraper, removing the crumbs, and another with a silver salver to remove all the glasses, except those for sherry or Madeira, or a goblet for ice water, all ladies liking ice water in America.
It is strange that the Russians, so lately redeemed from barbarism, have taught the world how to serve a dinner. All diplomatic dinners, all state dinners, and most fashionable dinners, are served d la Xime; which means that nothing appears on the table to eat, but all is handed by the servants from a side table or from behind a screen.
General Washington probably carved his own turkey, even at a state dinner, but President Hayes does not know at all what he is to have for his dinner until he looks at the menu by his side, which was laid there by his butler.
The dinner-table is merely a splendid picture, which remains a picture to the end, unless some one is so unlucky as to overturn a glass of claret on the table-cloth. The epergne or centrepiece in England is generally a splendid piece of silver, covered with flowers and fruits, with a "hot house pine" somewhere in it or about it. Fine candelabra and vases are at either end, and dishes, holding sugar plums and dried candied fruit, are at the lour corners. Very handsome pitchers of glass, holding wine, and elegant decanters are allowable. In fact, everything ornamental is allowed, and nothing that can by use become unseemly is admitted to such a dinner. We all know how disorderly, at certain moments, a dinner looks at which the carving and helping at table are allowed. In the dinner d la Rmse the table always looks well, for the plate before each guest, constantly renewed, is alone responsible for any viand. The company enter, as we have said, the host first, with the lady to whom the dinner is given, and his guests follow, each gentleman standing behind his lady's chair until the hostess has entered and taken her seat. They find before them oysters or clams on the half-shell, on majolica plates, with bits of lemon in the centre of the plate. The servants pass red and black pepper and salt. These are removed and two soups are passed, so that each guest has a choice of soups. These removed, two choices of fish are offered to each guest, and so on, through an elaborate dinner of from ten to sixteen courses, the table meanwhile remaining a beautiful, fresh thing, with flowers and fruits and charming objets d'art to look at. The butler should always place the principal dish for a moment before the hostess, that she may signify by a nod If she is pleased with it.
Books of etiquette sometimes elaborately tell people how to use a napkin and how to hold a fork. But it seems incredible that in the nineteenth century anybody can be ignorant of these simple customs. If there is such a person, let him know that it is not etiquette to pin a napkin up to his coat, or to spread it over his breast. It shonld be across his knees, convenient to his 1 hand. The fork should always be held in the right hand for eating oysters, peas, or anything that is to be conveyed to the mouth, and only transferred to the left hand when meat is to be cut, and it is needed to steady the morsel.
In Europe, particularly in Germany, very wellbred people still eat with the knife; but in this country, in France and England, it is semi-barbarous to bring the knife in contact with the lips. It often shocks well-bred Americans to see a German princess carry cauliflower, peas or potato salad to her delicate mouth on the point of a silver knife, hut such a sight is possible. It is very ugly, and should be avoided here.
The custom of serving dinners d !n Rome should prevent any one from asking for a dish a second time; indeed, this is never done at a state dinner. There is little need of it.
We have spoken of the epergne. The fancy now, in this country, is to replace the high ornaments by low baskets of flowers, and to do away with everything which prevents conversation across the table. Low dishes of majolica, crystal and silver are liked by some. Very many opulent hostesses have the table entirely covered with flowers, and only a space left for the plate, knives, forks and glasses of each guest. This is very beautiful, especially in mid-winter, and for a round table, which is very sociable, it is quite charming. But the high epergne is very stately, and makes a table always look well. A pretty and simple Epergne, which holds flowers for every day, is always a charming object.
Be very careful to avoid mistakes as to the hour of a dinner. Five minutes grace was all that General Washington allowed, and we could follow his example in this as in larger things. A half hour's delay spoils the fish and makes the cook lose his temper. One great " diner out," in New York, always carries his invitations with him, so that if he seems late or early he may dofend himself in his own eyes by glancing at it in the hall.
A small boutonniirc or bunch of flowers awaits him with a card in an envelope, which tells a gentleman, before entering the parlor, which lady he is to take in to dinner. If he does not know her, he must whisper this to the hostess, who will present him to the lady.
At a dinner, forget all animosities. If you are seated next to your deadliest enemy, talk and laugh and make yourself agreeable, to spare your host and hostess annoyance. Everybody is bound to be as agreeable as he can for the benefit of the whole mass.
Be careful, if you have not experienced servants, to instruct them in everything before dinner. Have plenty of side tables and sideboards, where the extra dishes, knives, forks, plates, spoons and glasses may be found. Have extra napkins at hand to replace one which may be stained with wine. No condiments should ever be put on a table except salt, of which every guest should have a little private silver cell before him. After the meats and game, a servant should go with a crumb scraper, removing the crumbs, and another with a silver salver to remove all the glasses, except those for sherry or Madeira, or a goblet for ice water, all ladies liking ice water in America.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Wedding Anniversaries and Social Etiquette
Earlier this week a fellow writer Dawn Kinzer (Click her name to go to her page.) shared an anniversary card she found in her family belongings from the 1800's. I've covered anniversaries before but this list found in "Hand-book of Official and Social Etiquette" has a list that is a bit different. It also has the suggested layout of the invitation cards. At the bottom ck out Dawn's family's card.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. The celebration of wedding anniversaries has always been an occasion of enjoyable reunion among the participants in the event itself, and a few intimate friends. In order to adapt the occasion to some suitable recognition, designations have been given to these anniversaries, and while gifts are not obligatory, and the announcement '' No presents received" on the invitation cards is desirable in the later anniversaries, a remembrance of an inexpensive character of the material named greatly contributes to the entertainment of the occasion.
These yearly anniversaries are as follows:
The first anniversary is the Cotton Wedding. The invitations are printed on cotton and any presents should be of the same material.
The second anniversary is the Paper Wedding. The invitations are printed on paper, and the most suitable presents are books or any other articles of paper.
The third anniversary is the Leather Wedding. The invitations are printed on leather, and any presents should be of the same material.
The fourth anniversary is the Straw Wedding. The invitations are printed on straw colored paper, and presents should represent straw.
The fifth anniversary is called the Wooden Wedding. The invitations should be printed on thin cards of wood, or on wedding paper, enclosing a ard of wood. The presents should be of any article of wood.
The seventh anniversary is the Woolen Wedding. The invita.ions should be printed on woolen and presents should be of the same material.
The tenth anniversary is called the Tin Wedding. The invitations should be printed on tin foil, with a mongram in silver, or on wedding note paper in black, enclosing a tin card. Presents should be of tin.
The twelfth anniversary is called the Linen Wedding. Invitations are printed on linen in gold or silver. The envelopes should also be of linen. Any presents should be of the same.
The fifteenth anniversary it called the Crystal Wedding. The invitation5 should be printed on sheets of gelatine or white wedding note sheets, enclosing a card printed on mica. Pre.ents of any articles oi glass are appropriate.
The twentieth anniversary is called the China Wedding. The invitations are printed on cards with a china finish. Presents should be of china.
The twenty fifth anniversary is called the Silver Wedding. The invitations should be printed on silver bronze or fine white paper with monogram or crest in silver. The presents should be of silver.
As articles in silver are expensive, out of consideration for many who might not be able to afford a present, it is proper to print at the bottom of the invitation: "It is preferred that no presents be offered."
This rule will apply to all wedding invitations following the tin wedding.
The thirtieth anniversary is called the Peail Wedding. The invitations should be printed on pearl tinted paper with monogram of pearls stamped in silver. The presents should be appropriate if given.
The thirty-fifth anniversary is called the Coral Wedding. The invitations should be printed on fine quality of pink tinted paper. Any presents should be of jewelry representing coral.
The forty-fifth anniversary is called the Bronze Wedding. The invitations are printed on bronzed stationary, and any presents should be of bronze.
The fiftieth anniversary is called the Golden Wedding. But few couples ever reach this ripe old age of matrimonial companionship, and the occasion therefore is more of a family nature, the effort being made to bring together as many of the descendants and relations as possible. The inviations are engraved and printed in gold with monogram or crest in gold. The presents should be in gold, but as such presents are expensive this is optional. The more close relatives should give something.
The seventy-fifth anniversary is called the Diamond Wedding. The invitation should be diamond shaped and printed on the finest paper.
At the silver or golden wedding the marriage ceremony adapted to suit th occasion is sometimes performed by a clergyman as part of the entertainment The motive of this would be to symbolize the continued trust and confidence the honored couple bear towards each other.
The usual forms of invitations used for wedding anniversaries are as follows:
Wooden Wedding
1872-1877
Mr. and Mrs. _____ _____ _____
Would be pleased to see you on _____ evening, _____ (date)
At _____ o'clock.
An early answer requested. (Residence.)
Still another form is:
1860. China Wedding. 1880.
Mr. and Mrs, _____ _____ _____
At home
_____ evening, _____ (date)
An early answer desired. Residence.)
Another form is:
Silver wedding.
1855—1880.
(name of groom) (name of bride):
Mr. and Mrs. _____ _____ _____
Request the pleasure of
______________________________'s
Company, on _____ evening, the _____ day of 18___
At _____ o'clock
An early answer requested. (Residence.)
Another form is:
1825—1875.
The honor of your company is requested at the
Golden Wedding Reception
of
Mr. and Mrs. _____ _____ _____
On _____ evening, _____(date) _____
At _____ o'clock.
R. S. V. P. (Residence.)
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. The celebration of wedding anniversaries has always been an occasion of enjoyable reunion among the participants in the event itself, and a few intimate friends. In order to adapt the occasion to some suitable recognition, designations have been given to these anniversaries, and while gifts are not obligatory, and the announcement '' No presents received" on the invitation cards is desirable in the later anniversaries, a remembrance of an inexpensive character of the material named greatly contributes to the entertainment of the occasion.
These yearly anniversaries are as follows:
The first anniversary is the Cotton Wedding. The invitations are printed on cotton and any presents should be of the same material.
The second anniversary is the Paper Wedding. The invitations are printed on paper, and the most suitable presents are books or any other articles of paper.
The third anniversary is the Leather Wedding. The invitations are printed on leather, and any presents should be of the same material.
The fourth anniversary is the Straw Wedding. The invitations are printed on straw colored paper, and presents should represent straw.
The fifth anniversary is called the Wooden Wedding. The invitations should be printed on thin cards of wood, or on wedding paper, enclosing a ard of wood. The presents should be of any article of wood.
The seventh anniversary is the Woolen Wedding. The invita.ions should be printed on woolen and presents should be of the same material.
The tenth anniversary is called the Tin Wedding. The invitations should be printed on tin foil, with a mongram in silver, or on wedding note paper in black, enclosing a tin card. Presents should be of tin.
The twelfth anniversary is called the Linen Wedding. Invitations are printed on linen in gold or silver. The envelopes should also be of linen. Any presents should be of the same.
The fifteenth anniversary it called the Crystal Wedding. The invitation5 should be printed on sheets of gelatine or white wedding note sheets, enclosing a card printed on mica. Pre.ents of any articles oi glass are appropriate.
The twentieth anniversary is called the China Wedding. The invitations are printed on cards with a china finish. Presents should be of china.
The twenty fifth anniversary is called the Silver Wedding. The invitations should be printed on silver bronze or fine white paper with monogram or crest in silver. The presents should be of silver.
As articles in silver are expensive, out of consideration for many who might not be able to afford a present, it is proper to print at the bottom of the invitation: "It is preferred that no presents be offered."
This rule will apply to all wedding invitations following the tin wedding.
The thirtieth anniversary is called the Peail Wedding. The invitations should be printed on pearl tinted paper with monogram of pearls stamped in silver. The presents should be appropriate if given.
The thirty-fifth anniversary is called the Coral Wedding. The invitations should be printed on fine quality of pink tinted paper. Any presents should be of jewelry representing coral.
The forty-fifth anniversary is called the Bronze Wedding. The invitations are printed on bronzed stationary, and any presents should be of bronze.
The fiftieth anniversary is called the Golden Wedding. But few couples ever reach this ripe old age of matrimonial companionship, and the occasion therefore is more of a family nature, the effort being made to bring together as many of the descendants and relations as possible. The inviations are engraved and printed in gold with monogram or crest in gold. The presents should be in gold, but as such presents are expensive this is optional. The more close relatives should give something.
The seventy-fifth anniversary is called the Diamond Wedding. The invitation should be diamond shaped and printed on the finest paper.
At the silver or golden wedding the marriage ceremony adapted to suit th occasion is sometimes performed by a clergyman as part of the entertainment The motive of this would be to symbolize the continued trust and confidence the honored couple bear towards each other.
The usual forms of invitations used for wedding anniversaries are as follows:
1872-1877
Mr. and Mrs. _____ _____ _____
Would be pleased to see you on _____ evening, _____ (date)
At _____ o'clock.
An early answer requested. (Residence.)
1860. China Wedding. 1880.
Mr. and Mrs, _____ _____ _____
At home
_____ evening, _____ (date)
An early answer desired. Residence.)
Another form is:
1855—1880.
(name of groom) (name of bride):
Mr. and Mrs. _____ _____ _____
Request the pleasure of
______________________________'s
Company, on _____ evening, the _____ day of 18___
At _____ o'clock
An early answer requested. (Residence.)
The honor of your company is requested at the
Golden Wedding Reception
of
Mr. and Mrs. _____ _____ _____
On _____ evening, _____(date) _____
At _____ o'clock.
R. S. V. P. (Residence.)
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
1871 Fashions
Below are a series of links to earlier post regarding 1871 Fashions. My St. Augustine Historical Series was set during that time period so I have quite a few links and info to share. Please note when writing in the couple years following you're more likely to see these fashions on your characters because, well let's face it, it took a while to come across the pond and then travel from the East to West.
1871 Fashions
1871 Fashions Part 1
1871 Fashions Part 2
1871 Women's Fashions
1871 Men's Fashions
1871 Fashion Accessories
1871 Fashion Accessories
Etiquette in Dress Fashion
1871 Fashion An Article.
1871 Fashions
1871 Fashions Part 1
1871 Fashions Part 2
1871 Women's Fashions
1871 Men's Fashions
1871 Fashion Accessories
1871 Fashion Accessories
Etiquette in Dress Fashion
1871 Fashion An Article.
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